BRRR

I took this picture last night. This is China. One of my kids. She is so sweet laying under the Christmas tree. She loves me so much and I love her so much too! She is my studio baby. While I am blogging here, she in right at my feet sleeping. She is prob. having a dream of wishing she too were back in Phoenix today. It is sleeting, snowing and cold as hell. Well, hell isn’t cold. Nevermind. You get the idea. The kids are home from school today since the weather sucks. I am excited about being in my studio today. I just hope they will allow me some time to be creative today. Better run! Will post more later. 

Angel cries

Even angels cry. This stamp is one of my new ones. I love her. Every day is a new day. And, it went from the floor dropping out bad,bad,bad to getting better by evening. It is supposed to be a cold day tom. In Oklahoma, it can be in the 70’s one day and the next day be in the 30’s! That is just so wrong! But, that is what is going to happen tom. So, good news for me is…..I will be in my studio working on some art. So, it will be ok. Tonight we put Christmas ornaments on the tree. It was hard for me to put on a fake smile. But, sometimes, not always. But sometimes, after faking it, it does help me to think more positive. I was really having a bad day because our water got turned off. I was so upset. Our next convention is not until Jan. ( or at least I hope….we are on the waiting list for Grapevine) and things are a little tight to say the least right now. So anyway, I was trying to be strong when I picked up our older son today from school. He told me that he was talking to his chem.teacher and she suggested him to try to take as many AP classes as he could. So, he told me he wanted to do that and quit band. I lost it. I started crying and told him he has the rest of his life to grow up and to go to college and work. I want him to enjoy his senior year next year and have fond memories. He is so diff. He always has been. I have truly never seen a young gentleman like him in a loooooooooooong time. He makes straight A’s, does not get into any trouble and tells me that high school romances are a waste of time. That he has to focus on school to try to apply for scholorships and grants. He wants to be a pharmacist. He just acts too grown up and I want him to have fun. Now…………I don’t really want him to have the kind of fun his mom had when she was in high school. But, I wish he would just loosen up a little. He has until Jan. to make up his mind. I hope he makes the right decision. My 2 cocker girls have been up my rear the past week. They know mom has not felt well. They are really glad I am not working full time right now. They are so good. They just sit with me in my studio. This is my 3rd entry in the blog. I am still trying to decide if I should keep alot of this to my personal journal. But, for now, this type of therapy is working well for me.

Not so successful….

Wow. What a day. I am really disappointed that I didn’t get to create any art tonight. However, I will tom. I did manage to have a few drinks though. Yes. It really relaxes me. I am so high strung, I really need it every now and then. Here is a strange bit of info. for you to think about. I quit drinking and stayed sober for 15+years. Then, about 3 years ago, I started back up again. I can’t even believe I am sharing this with the world. But, I am. I am not an Alcoholic. I just was heavy into religion and felt pressured to not do that at all. However, I have now come to a happy medium. I know who I am and am happy to be that. A drink or several drinks is ok with me now. I am sitting in my studio taking a break from scanning before I go to bed. I am listening to Evanescence. Open Door. It is a great CD. Tom. is going to be a hard day for me. You know it is so easy when people quote to you sayings or whatever. Stuff like……. what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But, when you are really going through a tough time, it is hard to hold on sometimes. To sit there and hope for the best. To have hope period. Well, better stop blogging for now and do a few more scans so I can get a few hours of sleep. Our daughter is in dance and I have to take her to practice every morning. Then, I drive our oldest son to school about an hour after that.

Rides. Bumpy or Smooth.

  I am having an ok day so far. I wish I didn’t suffer from depression. By stating that, I am not asking for any sympathy or help. Just saying, it is a part of life for me and for those that suffer from depression can totally relate. Some days are good days for me and some are just horrible.  I have always been a meloncholy type person with a touch of choleric. Sure hope that spelling is right. Anyway, I feel most artists and/or musicians generally are.

I have been here in Oklahoma now for one year. Yes, this is where I was born. This is where I grew up. However, my heart longs to be back in Phoenix, AZ. It seems that is really where I grew up. Away from home. Away from family. Developing into the person I am. Who I want to be.

I have so many negative things going on in my life that I don’t feel free to share at this time. Not all of them. It is too overwhelming.That is why it is hard for me to let go of that negativity and create art. I am determined that tonight I will have some wine ,sit in my studio and create a few things.

I am so frustrated right now. The only person I truly feel comfortable talking with is my best friend Melissa and boy has she had her ears full lately. She keeps encouraging me to write a book. To share all of the bad things I am going through right now. Thinking that not only would it be a source of income (which I hate to admit …sure could use some more of that right now!). as well as therapy. But, I told her, who on earth would buy it?? We both laughed. So, bad things…………………yeah. Lots of them happening to me. Too many. So, instead of doing my own book, I am doing the blog.

I keep telling myself to always try to find the positive to outweigh the negative. But, that is just so damn hard sometimes. I hold on to the thought every day that at least all of my children are alive right now. I cling on to it.

It is kinda ironic. I was involved in a Chunky book swap about a year ago. The sky’s the limit was the name of the book. My art page theme was a sad looking girl with the words inscribed……..involve me, show me the impossible journey. Strange…..was I having another one of my glimpses of the future. Yes, I do have them. And yes, I do think this is freaky. So, here I am……on an impossible journey………determined to make it *possible*.

~ by eclecticomnibus on November 27, 2006.