Trying to change…..

Well….I am tired of being tired and depressed. I have been trying so hard to make a change for the better. It seems all of my blogs are depressing. No wonder no one reads them anymore. No wonder I have no friends. No fun…..lol… well, this weekend, I got out some art supplies and made a piece of art. I uploaded it to my fb page. Again, no comments. lol. Oh well… guess I am talking to myself again. But, at least I am getting it out and not keeping it locked up inside. Well…. tonight is week 2 of Joshua’s group meetings. Yes, so much fun. We are going to them because HE DID NOT STEAL A LIGHT BULB. That’s right. His best friends brother stole an 8 dollar light bulb. And, because I failed as a mother and forgot to teach my kids to
JUST WALK AWAY…. I am being punished along with him. This class is for 3 weeks long. It is 2 hours long every Mon and Tues. Then, a fine of 150 the day before my b day , May 10th. AND….. I think… 32 hours of cummunity service. All this for someone else being stupid and stealing and running. So, enough about that. Can’t change anything about it.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a bad bad dream and I just need to wake up. One thing is for sure… I keep telling my kids…. I am sick of cleaning up after them and I refuse. However, every freaking day, I wake up to a freaking mess in the kitchen. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I am trying to motivate myself to detail clean the downstairs the way I WANT IT to look and then telling them I will take away their phones if it doesn’t stay that way. But, it is taking FOREVER for me to get to that point. There is always something for me to do. 99% of the time….to do for someone else. Clean, pick up, cook, drive you name it… I do it. Most of the time I never feel appreciated and being poor gets really weary. I just wish I could change things up. I try to. But, the depression creeps back in and feelings of being overwhelmed and not appreciated. Then, as if that weren’t enough to think about…. there is my MIL who is fighting for her life right now. My parents who are aging and so thankful they are both still alive. And last but not least….still trying to make my salon business work. That and my jewelry business. Nothing seems to be working out for the positive. What makes you hang on when the ride is ALWAYS rough and bumby? For me…. I don’t know. I always try to think …..well…things could be worse. And, out there, someone is hurting just like me…..

Life is something….

Well… I haven’t posted on my blog in ages. But, I felt the need to do it today. I have so much on my mind. My goal for 2012 is to start my own personal journal again… I started one in the past. But… life is always busy. And… I know my kids were reading it ………no privacy at my house…lol… so I stopped. But, here I am… on a PUBLIC blog…. for the world to read… so … what do I care if the kids read it…. I don’t really. Anyway… I am at the library now….. listening to Def Leppard on Pandora. Still don’t have a working computer at home. And… never have any extra money to buy another one. So, here I am…lol….wow… not trying to be mean but this man sitting next to me really stinks. So thankful to have my shower working in my bathroom. I could not live without it. I am learning we take things for granted all the freaking time and just don’t realize it. Our shower is still kinda messed up upstairs so, the kids come in our bathroom at all hours of the day to take a shower in our bathroom….most of the time…making messes for me to clean up. When will they ever learn how to TOTALLY take care of themselves? When I am dead? I sure hope not. I got alot accomplished on Sunday and felt great about it. Prob 3 hours or more of cleaning. The house is too big to be totally spotless. And with little help from my children… it ALWAYS looks lived in and then some..

I am so so so proud of Clayton. It felt awesome to drop him off at school this morning to read the sign outside Union HS. It congratulated them for taking 6th at nationals. First time since 1986 it read….just like his momma! It was my class that accomplished that at nationals…now… such a rewarding feeling to see my son actually do better than me. We placed 4th that year. But, there weren’t 96 bands there either…lol. I just with Josh wouldn’t have quit band this year. But, his life… his choice.

As a mother…life is really hard. You are always, ALWAYS making sacrifices. They don’t see it until you are old. Until they have their own family. Sometimes I get so stressed or depressed I just don’t know what to do. I try to be the best mom I can be. But, at times I feel failure. And please… don’t think it is all the time. I have WONDERFUL children. They are some of the most artistic and fantastic kids in the universe. However… they still need to learn life lessons and resonsibility. But, other than that…. they are a blessing.

I have been suffering from depression again quite a bit. We can’t afford insurance right now. So, I can’t go to the dr about it. I just continue to take my Celexa and say alot of prayers…lol…. I just hit low so often I wish I could talk to a therapist sometimes. It mainly hits because of our finances. I get so tired of always being poor. Never having enough money. However, I do feel blessed this weekend….
I was doing several loads of laundry because the kids had clothes all over the place downstairs. Anyway…the dryer stopped working. More than likely the motor. Normally, I would have just crawled in my bed. Laid there and cried nowing we don’t have any money to fix it. BUT… for the past few years… we have had an extra sitting in the garage. THANK YOU GOD. Thank you for meeting one of my needs.
I just feel so depressed lately because of the money. And… I feel like such a failure. I went to cosmetology school a few years ago to try to bring in extra income.What a joke. What a disappointment. I am giving it 6 more months. If that. Then, if it doesn’t work… I will have to go back to school or something. Joe has been working 60 hrs a week for too long. It is really wearing on him. I feel so bad. Most of the places only pay min wage. So…. I still owe over 10 grand in student loans. Haven’t been able to make one payment. So, the depression stems from that alot too. A lady I had gone to school with contacted me not too long ago. Told me about an opportunity. So.. I started doing GROUPON. Again…. what a disappointment. The first Groupon I sold 160. That was great. So I thought. Here is what happens when you do Groupon. You select a service and DISCOUNT it at least 50% off. Then, when you sell them… you make half, Groupon makes half. Then, you are out your supplies, your booth rent, then, 1/3 of the time…the people using the Groupon won’t leave you a tip!!!! Oh boy… that makes me mad. Real mad. The last Groupon I only sold 30. My goal was to try to attract and maintain clientele. However, that is not working yet. Sigh….. what really frustrates me is the schools here.. There are MINIMUM of 10 schools offering cosmetology within 30 mins of each other. There are salons on every corner. The competition is UNREAL and I get sick of having to compete. The sad thing is, I actually love doing the facials. The make up. The nails. Hair… eh, it is just ok to me. But…. none of it is working out. And now because of the economy and the competition…. MOST salons do use Groupon. So… if you are in this business and making money… consider yourself blessed. The majority do not.

Ok… I think I am done for now. Sure felt good getting some of this stuff out. I have so much more I could talk and vent about. But, I will save that for another time.

When will it end…

When will it end….. to be honest. It will end when life ends itself. Life is too much for me again. So sick of all the stress, problems….I try my hardest to be positive. However, when negative things keep happening on a consistent basis…makes it kind of impossible. So… I try to enjoy the few times I am happy. Enjoy the moments I am with my family. I do have good news. Along with bad… as always…. good news is… my dad went for his cancer check up appt. Cancer count was extremely low. Joe and I cooked dinner for my mom and dad. Sister and niece. Joe fixed my parents car. Bad news..well… where do I start. Still waiting to hear if we get approved for the loan modification for our home mortage. We are now 4 months behind. 6 = foreclosure. We have 4 cars.2 that sit in our driveway because they don’t work. The other 2…barely work. But THANK YOU GOD…they work. So.. Joe calls me a little while ago and says the car overheated. Both cars have no air. One car is taped up and someone ran into it.. that would be the car I drive. But, thankful to have it. Got a call from my mil. Her doctors appt for cancer did not go well. She is discouraged and having some health issues. I wish I could offer her encouragement like I have in the past. However… with all the crap that is going on in my life right now… like I said, difficult to find positive words right now. I haven’t got a phone call from Matt since he went back to AZ. Still wondering how all those plans are going to work out with his ex girlfriend being pregnant, etc.I have to have a meeting with the band directors and the band parent president on a few weeks to discuss my intentions of paying on Josh and Clayton’s band account. When I spoke with the mortage company the other day.. she told me on our credit report there were 7 claims against us. I know one is my student loan that I have not been able to pay a dime on since I have graduated. One ore 2 are medical bills… who knows what the others are. I am still looking and applying for jobs. I still try to believe that all things will be ok in the end. However… starting to wonder about that. When you owe money to so many people…I would never have it in me to take my own life. I do suffer from depression. I only live at this point for my children. I love them more than life itself. And my parents and husband. I live for them.
So….why do I write all this stuff for the public to read? Well… I write it to vent and have it be my personal therapy sessions since I am too broke for that on my own. I write it so if there is someone else out there suffering from depression will know …. there is hope. For me… hope is hiding in a corner in a dark lit room right now. But, I still believe in God. I still have faith. And, I have hope. I hope that one day, I can look back on this time of my life and say…. thank you God for allowing me to go thru so much. I do not write this for people to go… oh… poor Angela… and have a pity party for me. For some reason….God thinks I can handle all of these issues. I am hanging on with my fingernails and every ounce of life left in me. Please…. please pray for me and my family. Always give thanks to God for everything you have. No matter how little. No matter how much. Be thankful. Be hopeful. BELIEVE

My life is a story book…..

Well… It has been a long ass time since I have posted anything on my blog. Life just seems like a tornado. Constantly spinning, twirling….. I never know where I am going to land. Sometimes… I wish a tornado would just carry me away. In a dream… or in real life.. just to leave this world for awhile. It is too hard to live right now. As I type this… I am drinking some rum n coke. Been drinking for a few hours now. So freaking sad that I can not go to Rocklahoma… AGAIN… DAMNIT!!!! Again….. !!!!!!!!!!! Always too poor. Never enough money. Well… getting drunk tonight. That is for sure. My mom should be over in a little bit with Trevor, my brother’s son. Don’t know if my sister and her daughter will make it over or not. My dad tells my mom he doesn’t feel well and might not come over…. life…. so hard. So complicated at times. So simple at other times. When I was at the grave site yesterday, I told my grandma and grandpa how much I loved and missed them. So thankful for them. Here is the strange thing about life. I am a soul made up of 4 diff people and then… myself all wrapped up in one big package. My grandma died 24 years ago this Aug 19th… she was an introvert and an artist. A very spiritual person. My grandpa died on the 19th as well. However, he passed away in March …. just 11 days after Kristin was born… my daughter. Johnny served his country. He was a barber, real estate agent, boxing coach and so much more…. very outgoing. My mom…. well she is an angel. She is pure in heart. She does not drink or take drugs at all to cope with life. My dad. Well…. lol… I am most like him…lol.. he is a crazy Italian who loves life and works his ass off for his family and has a heart bigger than the universe. Yah.. I am a daddy’s girl. Always have been. Always will be. Thank you God that you have blessed me with my dad and he is still alive to this date. 75 years old. Prostate cancer survivor. Life survivor….lol….. Ok… so if you were to ask.. who is Angela Jones… Well.. she is a very artistic soul that loves life most of the times until is gets so damn hard and is unbearable. She is spiritual, she is one crazy Italian girl who is not going to throw in the towel just yet. My husband… whom I adore and love dearly… just told me today that he thinks we are going to lose our house. I am currently looking for a job. Currently thinking of starting my own business of selling purses, jewelry and art, and whatever……so yes. Life is unbearable right now. Will I let negativity pull me down… no. I WILL NOT. I refuse to give up on my dreams. Tho no one else might not believe in me in this world.. God does.. and I do…. I will survive. I will be successful. One way or another. So… you haven’t heard from me in a long time… now …… u know why…. life.

 

Life is a wild and crazy ride. Hang on with all your might. It is worth it. There are bumps, obstacles and flat out flatlines. But… take it from one who has had many struggles. It is beautiful. It is worth living. Enjoy it. Love it. Cherish it. Let the ones you love know you care for them. and have no regrets….

Thinking….

I have alot on my mind right now. Sometimes, I wish my mind would stop driving me crazy. I am thinking about Matt. I want to go visit him and meet his girlfriend. I feel I need to asap. However, I am thinking, I don’t have the funds. Thinking about losing 2 friends recently. Going back to church. Changing some things in my life. about my mom and dad. my children. My life. My future job. thinking about alot of things.

got fired for the first time ever

wow. I am still in shock. I have NEVER in my life been so humiliated as I have been with this job. The owner herself has caused me mental pain and suffering. They promised me full time hours when I was hired. Everytime I would go into work… I would pray that God would help me to get thru my day. Anyway…. I would never want anyone to have to go thru what I went thru there. Funny thing is….both the mgr and asst ( who used to be my friend until this) told me they were sorry the owner was treating me this way. Then, they totally forget about all the things we had talked about ….write me up…. and fire me. I do believe in Karma. I do believe you reap what you sow. But…..it hurts so bad when you see people do wrong and you are trying your hardest to do right and YOU are the one who gets a circumstance like this. I have decided I am going back to church. I feel like I am about to go crazy. Maybe I all ready am. I feel hurt, used, disappointed and angry. Please pray for me. I covet your prayers. I am going to read the story of Joseph tonight as well as Job. I hope I can get some peace and direction in the way God wants me to go. PS….. Please…. don’t ever get a service at Great Clips. Especially in the Tulsa area.

Christmas… it’s almost here…..

Well… It’s almost here. We have not put up a tree or decorations. Don’t know if we will. It is just something to “work on” and then you have it up for a short time and have to take it down. Sure …..it looks pretty when it is all lit up. But….there are not going to be any gifts under it. Joe and I have been so broke that we haven’t been able to buy ONE gift yet. We just got paid on Friday. Haven’t had time to shop. Nor…. do I really want to be out there fighting traffic and stuff. Honestly…. what is Christmas about?? To me….. it is a celebration of Christ’s birth. Then…. I ask myself… if that is the true meaning… and to me it is… then why does everyone think it is their birthday and we all feel the stress of having to provide gifts to show our love to those we truly do love. I am thankful for my family. I am glad that God has blessed them with life. I only have one wish really. Yes… it would be to see my oldest son Matt. This has been the hardest year yet for us with our finances. But… it has taught me many things….. people put too much focus on material things. I have also learned who my real friends are. Friends are not just there when it is convenient.They should be there when you need them. I am still on the search for a new job. I want to be somewhere where I can work full time. I am in shock that the company I work for has so many draw backs. But, I don’t care to elaborate on them right now. I am sick of being stressed out about them. And, I am fed up with companies where you have to kiss butt in order to move up. It should be like the old days… yes…back in the day where… if you were a hard worker and you gave it everything you got… you would be rewarded for it. That is ok….I still believe. When this world fails me….God will not.

this post is only for the smart a$$ that left a comment

Whoever read my post and left me a nasty comment I have some things to say to you. First of all… you are so bold to leave your comment <opinion> but, you don’t leave me and email to respond to. So, you don’t like my blog. My posts make you laugh. Well….. I have a suggestion…. stop reading them. You must not really know me if you have to say sick negative things as you did. I pity you. Depression does run in my family. I don’t have to expalin myself to you. The main reason I havea public blog is to help others know they are not the only ones out there who sometimes have a hard time in life. By the way… it does sound like you are a young person.And, what goes around …..comes around. So … if you are not a sympathetic or empathetic person….I pray that you will never have hard times in your life. But, the truth of the matter is…. EVERYONE ….. will experience hardship in life at one time or another.
I wish you would have had the courage to confront me with your name or email. Again… you don’t know me. You don’t know all the nice things I do for other people. So… whatever.

Dear Santa

if you really existed … I would ask you for a few things. The thing I want the most is something I can not have right now….. Dear Santa…. I wish I could see my son Matt for Christmas. I miss him so much as I type this tears are rolling down my face and I am hurting so bad. If I could have one wish… that would be it. If I were to be granted another…. I would wish for some peace and happiness in my life right now. I try to be happy but, sometimes….most of the times ….life gets in the way. And Peace. Everyone in this entire world could use peace. And last but not least …. some money.Not for me Santa. But, money to be able to get something for my mom and dad. My 4 children. My husband. My family and friends. I am really weary of being poor. It is difficult knowing that this week… whatever I make in my tips from hair cutting is the money we have to survive on. Gas and food. I haven’t put up any Christmas decorations. I prob. won’t. For one…. I am just not wanting to be reminded of it. And 2…..it takes time. If the kids want to do it… let them. They are all teens now and it would be good for them to pull together and work on something as a family. I get tired of having to clean up after them on my days off and try to get caught up on laundry and life. I have finally noticed that I have totally sacrificed my life for my kids. The sad thing is… they don’t see it and they don’t care. The only way for them to see it would be if I were to die. Sometimes…. I wish I would. I kinow …. you think I need help. Maybe I do… just can’t afford it. I am just tired of depression. I am tired of the pain. Sometimes… I get weary of the fight. Is it worth it…. I guess. Every day I go to work, I work my tail off. I am older than every one of the stylist. However, I move faster than all of them. I am polite and friendly and over extend myself. Do they notice? Do they care? I doubt it. But, I do it for me. I have always given my full heart to everything I do. If you know me as a friend. You know that.So, while I sit in one of my darkest times in my life… I feel alone. Thank you God that I have Joe. Without him….well….nevermind. I am not even going to type it. Where are my friends when I need them? I sure am not going to call them and let them know I need their prayers and friendship. It is ALWAYS me calling or texting them. My heart always ours out for everyone else but me. I feel if they truly loved me …. they would make an effort to get in touch with me. They have hands and fingers and a mouth. But, that is fine. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. Alone.

Stress. It does the body bad.

Well, my brother is out of the hospital. That is good. He says he is not going to do that crap anymore. I have been sick the past few days. I HAVE to get better by morning. I have work. My body is sore and my back hurts. Just feel bad …..throat hurts. So, last week my car died. In the morning traffic. I sat in my car calling for help for 30 mins. Finally, Kristin’s boyfriend comes to help. NO ONE would stop and help me. Then, I went to training. So…. this week has been busy. Enjoyed watching my sons at OBA on Saturday. Too bad they couldn’t take first. However, no one can compete with BA. There SHOULD be rules as to how many props and formations should be done. So, my boys tell me today that their band might not get to go to Nationals in Indy next week. Because the band owes over 40 grand. Needless to say, we are part of that. With our finances always being a struggle, we do good to keep the house paid and food on the table. Then, you have all your other bills and car problems on top of that. Sometimes ……my stress level is always high. Poor Joe works 70 to 80 hours a week. I was laid off and then went back to work for this hair cut place. Geez. Too much stress. I have not had a drink in 10 days. I don’t know how long I can do this……..